Dear Dr. Patti
I just wanted to share my story with someone who could actually help me heal. It took me a while to trust myself enough to write you but I finally decided it was okay. I love to write stories, but I wish this one was one that had never actually happened to me.
I am 12 years old and was sexually molested more than three times when I was between the ages of 4 and 7 (can't remember exactly how old I was). It seems very small compared to other stories I have read, but the fear, shame, and guilt are just as bad. But what makes it hurt the worst is that it was done by two or three of my cousins. The first time I was molested was by the oldest cousin. He took me into his room and made me do something. I remember exactly what he made me do, but I don't know what it is called. All I can remember thinking is that I wanted out of that room so bad. I couldn't visualize anything to take me out of my misery as some of the girls in your book did because he was talking to me and had to force me to keep doing it because I would stop. My prayer was then finally answered when my uncle called for him upstairs. I was so happy. I have no idea what made me not tell because I don't remember him threatening me. Then maybe a year later, my youngest cousin (a year older than me) made me play doctor with him. And then we went to California and my parents took him with us and while we were in bed he made me grab him and I hated it so bad.
I had forgotten about it until a year ago, but my brain always told me not to go alone with a male into a room. I never under stood why but I never let my oldest cousin hug me very much after that because I was so scared but did not know why.
When I was at school last year I believe I finally had the breakdown. I just started crying and all my friends were worried about me. I had moved up to that state during the summer. My school counselor was a male and he could tell that I was very upset and crying even though my head was down. He asked me if I wanted to go to his office and talk and as soon as he said that my brain started to scream no, no, no. I told him I didn't want to talk. One of my female teachers got me to go with her and she didn't force me to talk, she just asked how my day was going and things like that. She also let me know that I could talk to her any time I wanted to. She talked me into going to see the school counselor but the only way she got me to go was if she came with me. But she had to go back to teach class after our lunch/recess time was over, and when she left I started to cry. He asked me what was wrong but I just shrugged my shoulder and he let me leave. They thought it was just adolescence, but they were far wrong. I don't understand why this sexual abuse is bothering me so much now. I can't sleep at night, I'm terrified to even be touched on the shoulder by a guy, I have flash backs and I am just so scared all the time.
I recently told my mother about what had happened and I do not know if she believes me or not. When I try to talk to her about it, it's like she tries to ignore me. When she does that, I feel like a failure as a daughter and I feel that she hates me.
...........Very troubled girl. Darlene.