Hi i'm Jess, i'm 12 years old and a few months back i was with this guy. He was really nice and sweet or at least i thought. One day we were in his house like in his basement on the couch when i guess he noticed i was really depressed. He knew that when i was depressed i didn't care about anything that happened to me or anyone else, so i guess he decided to take advantage of me. He ask me if i would allow him to go up my shirt and i said i don't know but i guess he took it as a yes so of course he went up my shirt. i didn't do anything about it because well i felt like i was numb like i didn't care. But inside i knew i did.
Skip to about 5 months after that...
I had a different boyfriend and i was way over that last one. i loved this guy like no other and i thought he felt the same. We were at his house one night just chillin' on his couch, well not really we were really making out but any way. i guess he was horny well of course he was cause he was jacking off right before. He asked me if he could finger me and again i was depressed and i said i don't know. He respected it so i was like, "ok cool he respects me". But then 5 minutes after that, he just couldn't control himself and he just shoved his hand down my pants. i tried as hard as i could to pull it out, but the harder i tried the more pressure he put on me. i told him i didn't want it, but he just said "oh come on baby don't ruin my fun." He started fingering me and i was still trying to pull his hand away, but after a while i gave up thinking he was to strong for me. i told him to stop but he just said "but i love your pussy just a few more minutes then i promise i'll stop". i told him "no" but i finally gave in and i told him i didn't like it but he had 2 minutes. But of course 5 minutes later it was till happening. By now he was holding down my hands and he was holding my legs open. Finally his mother came home and he quickly stopped and i was relieved and i called my mother to come pick me up.
I didn't go to the cops, but my mom and all my friends know but half of them are friends with him also, they believe him instead of me. So now all my friends are against me and they all want to beat me up because they think i'm lying when i tell people my story. The only people that haven't turned on me are some of my friends, my boy friend, and family. But that's not enough when with all those people with me there's like a hundred against me . Please tell me, what should i do? was i raped? and is it really this big of a deal?
...........thanks for listening, Jess.
Dr. Patti responds:
First of all let me say that I am very sorry that a boy you felt you loved, turned on you and forced himself on you. I do believe your story. You would have no reason to make this up. Particularly because you cared so much for him at the time it happened. Rape is usually defined as intercourse, or sodomy. But sexual assault or sexual abuse is defined as unwanted touching. (check out the definition on this web site). Yes you were sexually assaulted.
It is good that you told your mom and "friends". In your letter you said that some friends were on your side but that the ones that are friends with him are against you. I guess if they could turn on you like that, they were never your friends to begin with. What do you think? It sounds like you already have a new boyfriend. This is a chance for you to NOT be taken advantage of. I guess one way is to never be alone in the house with your boyfriend, always have an adult around. Also could you try to talk to someone about your "depression". Why do you get down?
What can you do to feel better? Clearly you are a very good writer. Could you make a list of the things you like to do? Pin the list on your wall and when you are feeling down, go to the list and try out some of the things that could make you feel better. Do you do any sports? This too could help you feel better. Try to be aware that you do not have to "put out" for a boy. It is very hard to be a pre-teen and a teenager. Throughout your teen years friends will come and go. Yes it is a big deal what has happened to you. But it is also a big chance to be aware of yourself and not let a boyfriend take advantage of you again. Don't involve yourself with drugs and alcohol. Did you know that 99% of date rape is involving drugs or alcohol? Be with other people when you are with your boyfriend. Deal with your sadness. Try to stay away from the friends that are against you. Believe it or not, they will find someone and something else to get involved with and eventually they will forget about ganging up on you.
................................xoxo, Dr. Patti.