I am nineteen years old. When I was 13 years old and beginning my freshman year of high school, I stopped eating. I had a history of excessive dieting prior to this but took it to such an extreme once I entered high school. I nearly ended up in the hospital on many different occasions. I tried it all out—the laxatives, diuretics, exercise sprees, etc. I was in self-destruct mode always. When I reached tenth grade, my eating still wasnít great and I began cutting myself. It started on just my arms but over the course of 4 years, it continued onto my breasts, hips, thighs, butt and stomach. Throughout high school, I was always extremely depressed and anxious but nobody ever knew. I always smiled and got good grades and maintained my friendships. For some reason, I was just never happy and never felt that feeling of safety that I think most people naturally just have within them. I always felt crazy because I never understood why I was so self-destructive and unhappy. I figured that once I went to college, things would magically get better for me. I was really wrong.
I just completed my second year of college and Iím at my lowest point. Crying all the time, still cutting sometimes, extremely anxious, barely sleeping, barely eating, etc. The only time I feel like I can breathe is when I go on long drives, roll down the windows, and blast the music so I canít hear my own thoughts. Unfortunately, I canít do that all day so Iím forced to hear my own thoughts most of the time. Last October, I was sexually assaulted in my car by a guy I had been on a ďdateĒ with (we just went for a drive and talked a little). When I dropped him off and pulled over, it happened. It was during this experience that I realized something felt really wrong with me. I didnít respond with fear or shaking or yelling etc. when he began sexually hurting and overpowering me—I just sat there and let it happen as if I was sitting there lifeless with no power to move my body. Whatís weird is that it seemed like this event sparked a flame tha had already once been lit. The feeling felt oddly familiar. It didnít feel like a first time but I also couldnít put any other event or information to match up to it, which left me very confused. My point is that it didnít feel like a first time violation and Iím not sure why. I tried to forget all about everything and ďmove onĒ but it was eating at me. I recently hung out with a guy friend and when we were fooling around, my body started to shake uncontrollably. He didnít hurt me at all but my body responded with so much fear when he put his fingers in me. Iíve had such abnormal reactions and startle responses to things lately and I donít really know why. I donít drink often at all and have never done drugs but when I look back on all of the experiences Iíve had with boys in the past 6 years, I realize that every time I was physical/sexual with a boy, I was a little drunk. Without realizing it at the time, I could only hookup while being a little drunk. Thatís not normal at all.
For the past 3 years, Iíve had terrible nightmares of being molested and raped with no understanding of why. I feel scared all the time and sad and anxious and canít put together a whole story. I only have different pieces to explain why Iím so messed up inside. I just finished your book and it felt like you were speaking directly to me. Very intense things came up for me during my reading and more things about me and my life began to make sense. I have so many gaps in my memory beginning when I was little. Itís hard to paint a picture that makes sense and explains all of my issues. I have a lot of fears that are eating away at me. I remember a lot of frightening situations that I faced but most of my childhood is blurry to me. So much of it seems like it's missing in my memory. All I know for sure is that Iím suffering so much now and donít know how to make it stop. Iím just on a downward spiral and so very confused and hurt all the time.
I know you probably get a million emails a day but if youíre reading this, I thank you very much. Your book is eye opening and inspirational and you seem like an unbelievably smart and caring therapist. Your clients are so very lucky to have you helping them. Iíve never met you but when reading different parts of your book, I felt like you were talking to me, understanding me better than anyone in my life has. I want to heal and feel normal because I never have but I donít know how because I donít have much support at all and so much of my life makes no sense to me. Itís hard to see any light at the end of the tunnel. I donít know if youíre able to speak or respond to me but if you are able to, I would really really appreciate it.