I'm 17 years old. I'm writing to you because I desperatly need a name for what happened to me, was it really rape or not? After it, I was in shock I think. I knew something BAD had just happened, but had HE really raped me? This guy I had liked and dated. Part of me says it was, but then another part of my mind says I just over reacted.I'd appreciate it so much if you wrote back to me. Anyway...here goes..sorry for it being so long...
I met him at the beginning of November. He was friends with my girl friend, thats how I met him. Through her. He was 18 and had graduated last year. The first night we hung out we talked about how we were both Christians, I was so glad that I found someone that shared my faith. I started seeing him everyday after that first night. In 3 days time we started making out pretty heavily, which I was okay with, but he started trying to put his hands in my shirt and pants. Which I was not okay with. I would move them, thinking he'd get the hint. He'd put them right back. I'd move them again, he'd move them right back. It got to the point were I'd literally have to use every ounce of my strength to try to move his hand, he just would not stop. I remember one night specifically he kept trying to take my shirt off, I was saying "Stop it." he'd say "Let me see you." then I moved his hands as firmly as I could, he grabbed my hands and put them outta the way and goes "Look! You stop it! And let me see!!" That weirded me out. But I just blew it off, then one night (I'd been seeing him bout 2 weeks by now)...we were in his car and he'd parked it behind the gas station we had been getting gas at, I was like "What are we doin?" and then he started taking off his jeans and underwear! I jus turned my face to the opposite window, and kept my head down and jus kept rambling about how I didn't really wanna see. He got his underwear off and said "See what you do to me...fix it." I kept sayin that I didn't want to. He grabbed my hand and put it on him, I pulled away, he grabbed my hand again, I pulled away again. After a few minutes of this he took me home. This bothered me alot but once again, I never imagined it would get as bad as it did.
During this time, he said all the right things to me, that he really liked me blah blah blah. He even told me he thought I should wait till I'm married to loose my virginity (then about 30 minutes later he begged me to have sex with him...?)... The night IT happened, it was jus about 5 days after the car incident...we were in my room, it was around 1 in the morning. My mom was asleep in her room, and thought he'd left hours earlier. We were laying in my bed, I was laying on my stomach. He was begging me to have sex with him, saying vulgar things like "I wanna fuck you.", it kinda made me mad, but I didnt let it show. All of the sudden he starts trying to pull my basketball shorts down, I laughed it off and told him to quit it. Trying to be cool. He did it again, I moved his hand and pulled em back up. still trying to laugh it off I told him to stop. Then, before I could even react, he grabbed me and rolled over on top of me to where he was sitting on my lower body. He said "We can do it like this that way you will still be a virgin." Realizing what he meant I said something to the effect of "No way! I'm not doing that yet. Come on, get off." (cant remember my exact words)...He didnt. I started to raise up with my arms (they were still free at this point), as soon as I started to, he quickly grabbed my arms and binded them to my sides, and layed down on top of me. He wasnt too rough about it. But his entire weight was on me, crushing me. I couldn't move a muscle. This was when I realized I was in a bad situation, he said, very sternly "Don't fight me, this will be easier be so much easier if you dont fight me." I could hardly breathe because his weight was crushing my lungs. I told him that but he didnt budge. I could hardly get words out because I was being crushed so much, it was hard to talk. But I just kept saying over and over again for him to get off, that I didnt want to. He ignored it. He started to penetrate me, I felt ALOT of PAIN! It hurt so bad. I was gasping "Your hurting me! It hurts, stop! Noo.." He didnt let up, just kept thrusting harder into me, he kept saying "Just let me get it in. Stop fighting me. Your tensing up. Relax!" He moved my hands underneath me, and tried to insert his fingers into me, I was desperate for him not to! I couldn't really move my hands much, they were under so much weight. But I struggled with his hands underneath me. I didn't suceed. This hurt too, only it was such a small pain in comparison to the other worse pain I was feeling. My mind was going insane, it was hurting me so bad, I just kept thinking "Why isn't he stopping!!!" I was panicking. I remember saying "Please! Get off me!!", right after I said that he thrusted pretty hard and I gasped in pain. Finally, he sat up, into a sitting position on me again. I could move somewhat now, I reached my hand around and pushed on his stomach to get him off me, he didnt budge. It all lasted probably around 15 minutes, finally, he got off of me. I sat up, feeling so sick. He said "Did you like that?" I couldnt process what he was saying, I just looked at him blankly. I couldnt understand why he was asking me this. Hate cursed through me, I thought "Hes BAD! I hate him!". I was in shock, I think. I couldn't do anything. I just layed there, he started masturbating and came all over me. He burst out laughing cause it got on me. I got up and went into the bathroom to clean it off, when I came out, he was putting his shoes on. Told me he was leaving. He said "I guess I kinda raped you, didnt I?" I didnt saying anything. Then he said "I'm really an undercover pervert." ...then he walked over to me, grabbed my face in his hands and kissed me. I hated it. Wanted to throw up. He said "Love you." And then he left. I just crawled back into my bed. I knew something terribly wrong had just happened. But, I thought "I'm dating him...it couldnt have been rape..." but then the other part of me said "BUT YOU DIDNT WANT IT!", I just kept thinking that it was my fault cause I shouldve fought him off harder, even though I knew I couldnt move at all cause his weight was on me crushing me. I shouldve screamed for my mom, she was asleep in the other end of the house. But it was like, I couldn't. I was paralyzed. I was terrified. I thought about running into my moms room and telling her what happened, but I couldnt. I was too scared and didn't know what had just happened really. So I just went to sleep. I kept telling myself that maybe I was just over reacting, that it couldnt have been rape.
The next night, I saw him again! This is what makes me feel the most guilt. I dont know why I saw him again. I guess I was in denial. He came and picked me up, we jus went the gas station where his friend worked and hung out for a little bit. On the way home he parked the car, and tried to force himself on me again. I remember him tryin (pretty forcefully) to get my jeans off, I kept pulling them back up though. He got his hand in my panties and I said "GET YOUR HAND OUT NOW! I'm serious!" he didnt. After a minute or so, he finally moved it. He tried to get me to have anal sex again, I was in the seat turned on my stomach, he was on top of me. He penetrated me again, I kept saying "Get off! I dont want to!" After a few minutes he stopped and said "Alright. Well, at least I stopped this time." (What!? So he basically just admitted that he knew he hadn't stopped the previous night!)...He took me home. This is when I started to break down (not crying, but he could tell there was something wrong). We pulled into my driveway and looked at me and said "What is it!? Ugh...I hate when you do this!" I didnt say anything just got out. He got out too, and walked over to me, I had my head down and wouldnt look at him, he just grabbed my face and kissed me and said "Well, I gotta go see my other girlfriends now." I wanted to hit him in the face right at that moment. I just walked away and said "Whatever. Goodbye!" That was the last night I saw him. He never text me or called me again after that. I left him a bunch of horrible messages though. A week later, I saw my cousin (she had also been friends with him, they had went to school together. I hadn't told anyone what had happened yet. She thought everything was fine with us). She said she had saw him at the store that night (before I came to see her), she had talked to him and asked about me. She said he said "I really like her. Shes soo sweet." And my cousin asked if we'd done anything and she told him that I was a virgin so he better not try to do anything I didnt want to, she said he quickly said "Well...I havent done ANYTHING with her!" She wasn't even being mean to him, jus playfully telling him all this. Then he just said that all serious like. Then about a few minutes later he started begging my cousin to let him have sex with her!! WTF!! She said it freaked her out bad and she yelled "What the F is a matter with you!!? Your dating my cousin!!" And he smiled and said "Well...we dont have to tell her." My cousin said she just walked away. This is when I decided to tell my cousin. She freaked out. A few days later, she saw him and cussed him out. And that was the end of it. We talked about reporting it, but I didnt wanna put myself through questioning and other people knowing...not being believed...etc.
I'm sorry my story was so long. I have alot of self blame for seeing him the next night. Was this really rape? What did he do to me? I still cant say for sure...just because of the fact that I SAW HIM AGAIN! I cant forgive myself for that. Even though I felt sick and violated. I feel like it was my fault. Can you please write me back and give me some insight into what happened to me. Thank you so much.I have so much pain in me, its been so horrible. I have flashbacks, panic attacks, nightmares...horrible.