My name is Olivia, im 18, and im sending you this email from Brazil. I found your website last night and read all the other girls stories and that made me want to write mine too. First of all congratulations on your work, it is so great to know i am not alone on my feelings, my experiences. For yeras i felt like a freak in the world, but now i know how common that is and how important sites like yours are. I have just entered Med school and at the same time im very happy for starting a new step on my life, i can't stop thinking about what happened and i really hate that! I wish that will be one day in which i won't think about it.
So here it goes. My parents got divorced when i was ten because my mother was having an affair with the real state guy, and just a few months later he started to live in my house. From that time until i was 16 he sexually abused me in every opportunity he had.
I remember the first day he touched me and i didn't do anything. I was watching tv, my sister was in her room and my mother was taking a shower. He sat by my side and started to tell how beautiful i was. I didn't understand what happened, i really didn't. But of course with time i began to see that those things were really wrong. I couldn't stop, i couldn't tell anyone. I grow up as this strange girl who doesnt talk to much but every one just assumed that it was my personality. The truth is it never was, but i lost the real me in the middle of those years and only now im beginning to find her back. During the abuse i rarely tried to scream and often let him do it so it could end faster. The last time it was a tuesday night and he penetrated me with his penis for the first time. It hurt like hell, but what i never told anyone about it and what makes me blame myself sometimes - although i know its never my fault - is that he didn't covered my mouth, i did. It hurt and i wanted to scream so badly that i instinctively covered my own mouth. I have to forgive myself for that everyday.
After this tuesday night i couldn't take it anymore. I wanted to tell someone but when it comes to that matter, i have no voice. Today it got better, but that time it was really like i was mute. So i wrote it in a piece of paper and gave it to my friend. She me made me tell her mother, and we all ended up at my mother's work. At first she cried a lot and hugged me and everything, but after a few hours she started to build walls in her mind. By the end of the day i was a very bad girl for making up stories like that just to justified the fact that i had hitted on her husband, but she loved me no matter what. she said, and because of that he was going to live our home. He did left home but they continued together and that hurt in a way that i can't explain. One day she told me that her father had sexually abused her when she was a teenager and that she had forgiven him, so i should do the same, for her, for my little sister, his daughter, and for the family happiness. Although she didn't believe me or supported me, i did not regret of telling in any way.
A year later, my stepsister told her own story of abuse by him and after that, my mother had to face the truth. She asked me why didn't i tell her everything? I had no answer because deep inside i know how destroyed she was, and to deny everything was so much easier. The three of us went to the police and today he is in jail. The sentence hasn't come out yet and i guess that's why i have been thinking so much about it.
About my mother, i still can't forgive her for not believing in me, and than acting like i have never told her in the first place. About my little sister, im sorry for her having to grow up without a father and sometimes i have to forgive myself for letting her born, after all if i had told on those first years she wouldnt be here today (she is only 4). And about myself, im getting out of what i like to call very a self destructing state of mind where i used to hurt myself and put myself into dangerous situations. I even got into a car with a strange man from my gym and let him have sex with me, i didnt say no, just laid in there again like a dead person. But now, I am constroying my life. My biggest dream is to become a doctor and i am closer than i ever, however there are days that a deep sadness takes control of me. My fear is to never let this go, to carry this weight around with me through my life, and to never find someone who loves me for who i am.
But i know i will, i just have to remember myself of that from time to time. Thank you for reading, and, again, congratulations for you work!
ps: i don't know if you are going to post my story, but if you want to i will be glad to share it with other girls in the world ;) , and for my grammar mistakes i am sorry, my english is not good enough.