I am 16 years old and I live in Manhattan. When I was volunteering at my local veterinarian this guy asked me out. He was 18. Although I have only gone out with two or three guys, I have never let anyone get close to me. Physically or emotionally. When my coworker asked me out I said "OK". Our date was planned for Christmas Eve. But before that day came, he had come over to my house once (we were in my room and no one else was home). There went the idea of me being a "sweet little girl". We had started kissing. I did not mind that. But then things got kind of intense. I knew I had to decide if I should stop it now or let it go on. While I was arguing with myself, I hadn't even noticed that we were on my bed. I was on my back, he was on top of me. He had asked me to spread my legs, I wouldn't. He put his hand between my thighs (over my clothes), and pressed. That is when I tensed up. I knew that I couldn't continue. I wanted to see if I would feel excitement or whatever else (people) girls say they feel, but I stopped it. I told him that I couldn't go any further and he accepted that. I was apologetic, I felt like I did something wrong by stopping him. At the same time I felt good about myself for keeping to my limits and I still liked the kid because he did stop when I asked him to.
Christmas Eve came. We went to the movies, in the movies he held my hand and also kissed me. After the movies we went to his house. He said his mom would be home. She wasn't. We went up to his room and started kissing. Once again what was done in my house was repeated, except this time I didn't stop him from rubbing my thighs (again over my pants). Before I realized what was happening his hand was between my thighs on my underwear. This was further than I was comfortable with. I told him to stop, and I tried to sit up, but he knocked me down back onto his bed. He pushed my hands down with one hand and put his fingers inside my vagina. It really hurt, and I started crying. I told him to stop, he did not. Then I tried to push him off me again when that didn't work I started wiggling around to try to get him off of me and he was more forceful. I began screaming and then we both heard something. The front door to his house was opening and then he jumped off of me. It turns out his father came home. We left his room and he introduced me to his father. He offered to take me home, but I told him I'd rather take the subway. I got home and showered. I felt so gross. Something had gone very wrong on this date. I only wanted to "hook up". I wanted to kiss, but that was it. I realize I should not have gone to his house, but a part of me really wanted to be with him, and I figured since he listened to me the first time I said no, he would listen again. He called me and asked me out again, but I never went out with him again, and I stopped working at the vet's. I never told anyone about this "date", and I am afraid to trust guys after this.
Was I sexually abused? Was it my fault?
Dr. Patti responds:
Yes you were sexually abused. You said no and the person didn't stop and that is sexual abuse. You were feeling romantic, and you thought your coworker was too, but he did not respect you or honor your limits. This sexual abuse was not your fault. You believed that he knew your limits and he would abide by them as he did the first time you were physical together. It is a good idea to get to know someone before going somewhere alone with him where you could be vulnerable.
You thought you knew him because you both worked together, but it turns out you were not completely aware of his intentions. You are very lucky that this guy's father came home when he did because I am afraid you could have been raped. You are 16 years old and there will be many wonderful romantic moments to come for you. I think it would be a good idea for you to talk this experience over with someone you trust. I hope you will trust another guy soon, but play it safe and go out with him several times before hooking up. Spend time with him in a group, observe him the best you are able and then be alone with him. Physical contact is always more meaningful after you come to know someone pretty well and you can trust your feelings toward him.
................................warmly, Dr. Patti.